Heart Connections- Matchmaker & Dating Coaching Services

Dating in my late 40's, why is it so frustrating?

2010-03-24T21:25:00.005-05:00

Dear Wendy:

I have been divorced for 2 years and am finding it really frustrating to get back into the dating world. Are there no decent, intelligent and honest men out there in New Zealand? I have a great job, keep myself fit, am intelligent and am considered attractive. I worked on myself and am pretty clear on what I looking for in my next partner. Am I just to late to get back into the dating world? Am I being too particular? I am not finding anyone who I would even consider for a second date!

Regards,

Still Passionate at 47!

Hi, Katherine:

Don't give up- you deserve the best! However keep in mind that you are likely going to have to be patient and put some effort into finding the right guy for a variety of reasons. This is really common question that I get asked frequently, so I will discuss it again with some new suggestions.

You have a lot of positive things going for you,and that is part of the challenge. You have been around long enough to be particular and you probably are not willing to settle. It also sounds like you know what you want.

And you should not have to settle for less than happiness, fun and love in a new relationship! But that means it may take a while and effort to find the right guy.

Here are a few helpful tips:

Utilise all your dating resources, including possibly using a qualified match maker/ Be willing to put the necessary effort and time into finding a great relationship- it is going to take time and energy so accept this. Working every weekend is not going to get you into a great loving partnership!

Don't waste time on a guy or relationship that is obviously not a good fit just to go out on a date or to be with someone. You can't fix him or change him, so give up on it, if you can't live with it!

Prioritise what you really "must have" and what you would "like" to have in your next relationship. We all have to be "flexible" to some degree as the perfect man or woman is not out there.

Do an comprehensive and objective evaluation of how other people might perceive you. Do you display a positive attitude? Do you come across as desperate or sour and bitter?

Have you updated your appearance, do you feel and look your very best?

Do you have other interests, friends and life passions? Can you carry on a lively conversation with new people- do you do first dates well?

There are some great guys with lots of offer out there- I know- many of them are our clients! Don't lose hope and never give up- you have lots to offer but it is going to take some effort to find the right guy!

Wendy

Heart Connections
www.heartconnections.co.nz

Finding Love Safely Online

2010-02-12T08:13:00.003-06:00

Heart Connections encourages our clients to utilise all resources, including internet dating, in seeking love. However, we also encourage you to do it safely, and wisely!

Heart Connections can also help you create your online ad, evaluate your photos, and screen possible dating candidates.

This comprehensive screening service is becoming a very popular option, particularly for female clients. Some of our lady clients have experienced some unfortunate challenges with spammers or married men utilising online as an easy way of having numerous affairs without revealing their true marital status.

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February 11, 2010 3:06 PM PST

Find love online this Valentine's Day--safely
by Larry Magid

(Credit: CNET UK)

As we approach Valentine's Day, a lot of people are thinking about how to find that special someone. To do that, online dating services are among the first places many turn.

Online dating can be safe and sometimes effective.

But, as with many things in life, it's important to be cautious.

Based on conversations with Julie Spira and BitDefender security expert Alexandru Catalin Cosoi, there are two main things you need to watch out for: the site itself and the people you interact with.

Bogus dating sites

According to Cosoi, there are bogus dating sites that are more likely to separate you from your money or your identity than to unite you with a love interest. In a recorded interview, he warns that "not all the services are real" and urges people to be very careful about sites "that just got born yesterday and started sending e-mail messages to different users in order to join their network."

He said it's never a good idea to do business with a site you heard about through a spam message, regardless if it's "e-mail spam, Twitter spam, or Facebook spam." He also cautions people to be careful about what they say to someone they meet on a site. "If you don't give away your (credit) card detail, you think you will be safe. But also giving away your e-mail address could be a dangerous thing to do." He added, "once you start talking to somebody you met on a dating Web site, they can say 'Where were you born?...Who was your first school teacher?" and solicit information like your mother's maiden name or your pet's name that could be used to guess a password or provide security information needed to recover a password.

In a pre-Valentine's Day press release, BitDefender also advises people to "provide as little detail as possible and employ nicknames or aliases in lieu of real names. If possible, they should create and use an alternative e-mail account, ensuring the security of their personal account and work information." The company also advises users to never release sensitive private data "such as a home or work addresses, phone numbers, or Social Security numbers."

Other online Valentine's Day threats, according to BitDefender, include graffiti and other types of spam distributed via social networks, which direct to malicious Web sites, e-mail spam exploiting Valentine's Day, and e-mail attachments attempting to deliver different breeds of malware under the innocent cover of a short, funny movie.

More than just security

But there's more to online dating than just security, which is why I also spoke with Julie Spira, author of "The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online." Spira, who became an online dating expert after 250 online dates that resulted in four marriage proposals, one husband, and one fiance, says that "there is never a better time to start (online dating) than now" because a lot of people have joined sites since the beginning of the year.

She said that sites that require you to fill out long questionnaires (like eHarmony) have an advantage "because people who are single and who really want to get married and are looking for a serious relationship will take the time to fill out a long questionnaire and really put in what they're looking for and what their values are to try to find that perfect match."

Spira said to be careful about relying on a photo. Some people, she said, "take 10-20 pounds off their weight as well as 10-20 years off their age." She recommends that you also check the person's Facebook profile where you're more likely to find lots of recent photos.

Like Cosoi, Spira recommends that you avoid posting your e-mail address and your real first and last name on a dating site. "Try to come up with a screen name that describes something you like to do but doesn't really give out your identity."

I asked her about a case I know about of a friend who established an online relationship with a person he thought to be a woman in the Philippines. Everything seemed fine until she asked him to wire her money so she could buy a plane ticket to visit him in San Francisco. It could have been legitimate, but it was likely a scam. Spira says to be very careful about such overseas encounters. "If they're out of the country, you might be a target for a scam."

She said to "never talk about your financial status--whether it's good or bad or indifferent"--and to try to keep your profile short. "You don't want to really have a novel. Less is more sometimes."

Photos matter

Spira recommends that you get professional photos and that your primary photo be a headshot so that people can really see your face. "If you have a great body, you should put that in your supplemental photos," she added. But if you don't have a great body, you still have a shot at online dating, she said. "There is someone for everyone and all you should really be concerned about is representing yourself authentically." If you're being authentic, you're more likely to attract a "good-quality man or woman," she said.

She recommends you "take the relationship from online to offline as soon as possible." After a few e-mails or online exchanges, she recommends that you talk on the phone and if you're still interested, arrange a meeting in a public place. And always tell someone "who you're meeting and where you're going." She says that during her date she'll take a break and call a friend to say it's working out or, if not, she'll leave.

Heart Connections - www.heartconnections.co.nz, or heartconnectionscentre@gmail.com

50 yrs+ old, wiser but still lots of fun- can I find a man?

2010-02-06T20:32:00.007-06:00

Yes,my wise 50 year old friend-

You can find love after 50!

Attitude is a huge piece of it. If you come across as someone who with a passionate, active life and a charming, vivacious character- you will attract men! Lean how to flirt and be naturally sexy.

A positive mental attitude can make all the difference as well- with a pinch of patience thrown in. You are seeking someone special in your life and are probably far more discerning now, so give it time. You shouldn't have to settle.

Do not act desperate- men can sense this a mile away! Talk negative stuff with your friends, not a new date.

It doesn't hurt to use every physical attribute you have. A good healthy diet, and regular exercise can only help you in every way. You will look and feel healthy and great. New form wear lingerie can also do miracles in certain physical departments.

Let's face it, men are visual animals- so it is up to you to look your very best. Don't dress like you are in your 70's or in your 20's. Dress to accentuate your body type and your personality, but in a way you will feel comfortable- yet attractive.

Go to an image consultant to get an update on your wardrobe, and use the best hairdresser you can find- make a switch if you need to do- invest in yourself! Cover up the gray hair that is starting to show! Get an in style professional color and cut. Is it time to update your makeup and look? You can find good makeup artists at some of the better department stores.

And finally, meet men! If you never leave your house, your same group of close friends or co-workers, it is going to be pretty hard to meet anyone new. Get out there, talk and smile at people. Engage with the world!

I always suggest my match making clients use every resource possible- with a prudent, realistic attitude. We include these efforts in our match making plan.

Don't give up, and don't settle, but be realistic. And be persistent in making your dream happen! I have seen love happen in many interesting ways, so many times. It can happen for you. If I can help- let me know- we are working with lots of great male clients right now!

Warmly,

Wendy

Love Recruiter- Matchmaker

Sex Appeal and Signals- Reading Body Language

2009-12-06T20:40:00.007-06:00

Hi, Wendy:

I have been divorced for a number of months and am fairly new back into the dating market. I have tried the bars and found that they are not my style but I am trying to actively meet a new life partner. I also am pretty clueless about how to read a single woman's body language in just about any setting- in fact, I can't always tell if she is a single woman or in a partnership if she is not wearing a ring. I don't want her to think I am a stalker- creep or something but want to convey my interest if she is available and also possibly intrigued.

Help!-

Nice, Normal Single Guy
-------------------------------------------------
Hi, Nice Normal Single Guy:

It can be challenging to tell if a woman is interested in you or not- but not certainly not impossible- we all give off subtle body cues whether we are aware of them or not. This topic also too complex to fully explain here but I can give you a few tips which might be helpful.

There are a number of books on the subject & Heart Connections offers a Sex Appeal: The Art of Flirting seminar for both single men and women. Like you, many single people have limited clues on how to read the body language signs of sexual attraction and interest.

Trust your gut instinct, but behave like a gentleman. Try to be confident without acting like a obnoxious tall poppy. Be subtle and clever, instead of laying it on with trite come on lines. Try to make her laugh!

Here are a few common positive sexual body signals of flirting: Direct, extended eye contact, the woman might play with her hair ( ie flip it back from her face), she will turn her body towards you when you talk to her rather than away, she will smile and laugh, she has a relaxed physical posture that shows she is open to the attention of strangers before you approach, she may touch you on your hand or shoulder, and point her feet in your direction when you are conversing.

If she folds her arms across her chest, turns away from you physically or uses her drink or purse to block you, it may be a sign she is not interested or available.

Good luck, Nice Normal Single Guy-

P.S. Check out one of Heart Connections fun and informative seminars on Sex Appeal- The Art of Flirting for more help in this area.

Wendy Somers

Heart Connections
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 433

Wellington, New Zealand

First Date Jitters and Anxiety- 6 Success Tips

2009-12-03T17:40:00.006-06:00

6 Success Tips for First Date Jitters and Anxiety:

You have finally set up the first date, the hour is rapidly approaching and you feel like a teenager planning for your first kiss.

1) Prepare in advance, and dress appropriately for the date. This is not the time to try out the new multi-coloured hair style, or eccentric clothes. Wear something that you know looks good on you, and is comfortable. Guys, go with clean, well pressed and classic- nice somewhat conservative shirt with a collar, holiday party type pants with a belt, polished shoes and a hair cut- shave.

2) Set your first date to occur somewhere low stress, quiet and fairly private. You don't want your boss, co-workers, and friends to be stopping by every 5 minutes to say hello. We suggest a casual coffee date, so you can limit the amount of time you spend with this new person, if things aren't working out.

3) Remember to breathe when you feel anxious, and let the other person talk. Have some interesting questions in mind to ask them- but remember this is not an interview filled with grilling, personal questions. Also ask Wendy, if she is working as your matchmaker, for a bit of coaching before your date, it can really help! Or you can go on a trial date..

4) Realise that statistically very few people actually die of stress on their first date, and that the other person is probably just as nervous as you are. You might want to admit it and laugh at yourself- it can be great at breaking the ice...

5) Try not to make snap decisions about the person, we always suggest you try a second or third date if the person seems at all interesting. It is almost impossible to determine whether it is a good fit on the first date.

6) First dates are just too nerve racking, and people have their "masks" firmly in place for you to make a clear determination about a possible match. First dates are pretty awkward for just about every single woman and single man, so know you are not alone!

Remember this is supposed to be fun! Laugh at yourself, and don't take anything in life too seriously!

Heart Connections

www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

Safely Using Online Dating to Meet People

2009-11-21T20:40:00.003-06:00

Hi, Wendy:

I've met a guy on an online dating site. He seems really great but there is so much out there to be worried about. I know couples who have met online and its working out well so I want to be open minded enough to give it a try but I want to know your opinions on how to do it as safely as possible. I also don't want to waste my limited time, (I work a lot of hours) meeting someone who is not who they say they are.

Help!

Dear Online Dater:

Online dating can be fun and exciting, but you don't know who you are communicating with until you meet them.. and sometimes not even after that..

Here are a few common sense things you can do to safeguard yourself:

1) Follow your gut instincts- if something feels off, then don't set the date or leave. Have a good excuse ready if you need to use it.

2) Always drive yourself or take a taxi, and don't reveal where you live, or work on the first date or even second date. You don't want to give information to someone who could become a stalker. You don't know this person, and unfortunately these things can happen.

3) Once you get to the point where you are going to communicate outside of the dating service email system, use a "throw away" email account. You can create a free email account on Yahoo!, Gmail etc. This way once you start communicating outside the system if things start to get weird, he doesn't have your real or work email address.

4) Don't be so quick to give your home or mobile phone number. Again, a problem if you hook up with someone who becomes abusive or obsessive. This may sound paranoid, but I have heard of it happening far too often.

5) Meet in a public place. You should arrive 15 minutes or more before the scheduled meeting, and make it for coffee, not a dinner.

This way he will not know what kind of car you are driving if you do drive to the date. Meet inside and leave your first name- you may not want to give your last name right away, at least until you have a chance to meet face to face. If things go well you might let him walk you to your car. If things do not go well or something feels off, do not leave with him. When you depart, make sure he drives off first. Whatever direction he goes, you leave in a different direction. This way he cannot follow you.

6) Make sure someone knows where you are and with whom, and that you carry your cell phone with you. Call or text your friend to come join you if things seem really weird.

7) Hire a service like Heart Connections to screen the people for you before you commit to a date. If they are really interested in meeting you, they will be motivated to come in for a personal interview. This is one way to make sure they are who they say they are. It screens out serious weirdos or sex predators like the guy who recently spread HIV all over New Zealand via his online dating connections. These kind of people aren't going to want to be bothered or possibly exposed. They will move onto another victim.

Good luck to you!

Kind Regards,

Wendy

What are the pros/ cons of internet dating?

2009-11-09T15:17:00.005-06:00

Hi, Wendy:

I have been using FindSomeOne and NZ Dating for a few months. I have to say I am feeling overwhelmed and disappointed with the guys I have gone out with. My male roommate is also trying to find a partner on FindSomeone. We have both experienced people who have really misrepresented themselves and/ or are married and looking for a quick affair. Is it worth using these online dating service sites? I am getting really burned out and thinking of giving up. It also is not very cheap on a monthly basis. Is it a good value for money?

"Looking for love in all the wrong places"

Dear Looking for Love:

I think the internet dating sites can be a good resource, but it is kind of like throwing out a huge net and hoping you only get the highest quality fish. You are going to attract all kinds of people- good and bad. Your online experience and frustration level is not unusual- I hear it all the time.

You don't know who you are really talking to, or who you are going to meet on the 1st date. People can represent anything they want and the stats say that 40% or more of the people online lie about really significant issues ie age, marital status etc.

I encourage my clients to consider every option and resource when they are looking for love, but also to let me screen and meet with the people they find first before setting up a date or spending much time chatting. The losers won't even bother to let themselves be screened because they know they will get caught in their lies. That seems to be the smartest way to utilise this resource and has really worked for a number of my clients.

Warmly,

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!

How soon should I consider having sex?

2009-11-08T14:56:00.005-06:00

RELATIONTIP

Dear Wendy:

I have gone out on two dates ( one was just a drink) with this new guy I met on FindSomeone. I like him but he is putting some pressure on me to have sex now. He wants to know if we are going to be compatible in bed or not before pursuing a relationship with me. I am not really all that comfortable with going to bed with this guy I don't really know all that well. What do you think? Am I really uptight about sex?

M

Dear M:

I think you should follow your gut instinct about having sex with this guy. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. While being sexual and passionate is a great thing, I don't feel you have to jump into bed right away.

Take your time, if this guy is really interested he will invest some time in getting to know you. Unfortunately, online dating can be a great resource for people who just want a quick fling in the hay, so to speak. Some of these people are just looking for an affair, and are not really available. How do you really know?

You decide if this is something you want to do- it should not be a test, it should because you want to do it, and will both enjoy adding sex to your growing relationship.

Best of luck-

Wendy

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!

Why Set Up Dates Can Be A Disaster!

2009-11-08T14:16:00.006-06:00

“You should ask my great friend Alison out, I know you have been looking for someone since you broke up with Kate. I think you two would be perfect for each other" says your good mate, John.

You have probably heard this line from your friends numerous times. Just because your friend knows the both of you really well and thinks you would be a great couple does not mean it will necessarily work out between you. Actually, the chances are pretty slim and remote. So, before you venture down that path consider a few things.

All things can end badly. And think about the consequences if they do.. you are both good friends of John. How comfortable is it going to feel to have to meet up with your now ex girlfriend at the pub and social events with your group of friends?

Not all relationship work out

Not all things are meant to last forever. At least in relationship terms, otherwise they wouldn’t often end. Even if you do marry the person you were set up with, there is still a chance that you may end up divorced. Then you will look bad and it could hurt your relationship with him for setting you up with her in the first place. Lots of relationships don't last long term, and your friend John is probably not an expert in matching people up anyway.

If it looks to good to be true, it is probably IS TOO GOOD to be true. Maybe on the surface she seems pretty attractive, but proceed with caution. There are plenty of other relationship deal breakers that you might not discover until you are pretty deep into the relationship- or maybe it just isn't the right fit for you, long term.

Friends will talk to each other.

The woman you start dating will ultimately reveal things to "John", they are also close friends. This could ultimately affect your friendship with your friend John because after discussing these personal things, your friend’s perception of you could ultimately change or she might share things that you did not want your friend to know about you or your relationship.

Less time with your friends, more time with your girl friend..

At first, everything will be great and you will all hang out and get along fantastic. However, once you start getting serious and your time spent with your friend decreases, jealousy for time may likely arise. This could develop into a tug of war for your time with you ending up spending less time with your mates. How is "John" going to feel- is he going be upset with you for spending more time with "Alison"?

There are plenty of single women out there; it doesn’t matter how old you are or how many of your friends are in serious relationships. Take your time to find the right partner. If you want to find available women and are seriously motivated to do so, you will find the right partner. Don't count on your friends to set you up, or at least think very carefully of the consequences before accepting a set up date and then things don't work out the way you might hope they would.

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!

15 Important Dating Tips to Consider

2009-10-11T18:52:00.008-05:00

DATING TIPS FOR SUCCESS!

1) Remember this is supposed to be fun! Don' t take it too seriously. Be positive and happy- it will show up in how you look and feel about the world.

Do some positive affirmations- if you need some suggestions- see author Louise Hay for some books with great affirmations. They work, and are not magic!

2) Go into your first connection with the idea of meeting a friend.. if he or she becomes a romantic partner, great bonus. If not, you still have gotten a benefit from the meeting. Coffee or drinks is a good "limited time" first date in a safe public place.

3) Dress to impress and appropriately for the occasion. Primp and preen- ladies, show your best assets but don't over do it. No major cleavage flashing, heavy makeup, silver high heels- be classy.

Clean it up, guys- iron those clothes, brush your teeth, hair cut & shave! If in doubt, ask a friend with style for an evaluation. Flirt and make eye contact but be appropriate and polite.

4)The guy pays.. it is only coffee or dinner. Make it easy!

5) Be positive in your conversation, and don't dominate the conversation. Let the conversation flow and the other person talk! Mind your manners, be polite and attentive.

6) Have some pre prepared questions that are pretty neutral but interesting. No politics, religion or how would you "do away" with your ex wife if you could get away with it? Ask what they love to do for fun, best vacation, etc. No past horror stories!

7) Make it a "getting to know your conversation"... be curious. Go with a very open mind. Someone who does not fit your "physical look" may fit in every other way. Dress, and appearance can be easily modified, heart, soul and spirit cannot.

8)Go out with someone at least 3 times before you decide they are not for you.

9) Don't assume anything about the person. They could be very nervous on a first date or have had a very bad day. Give everyone a fair chance and enjoy getting to know someone different.

10) Women- stop looking at the guy for marriage and father of your kids material only! Let the relationship develop and be open to friendships! Stop planning the wedding after the first date. Slow down and enjoy the process! Ask your girlfriends if you feel you are rushing it.

11) No sex on the first date. Make it more than just a quick sexual encounter. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable and trust your gut intuition.

12) Follow up after the date, if you are interested, let them know. No game playing. It is annoying for everyone. If it is not going to work for, be polite but communicate your thoughts with honesty and integrity. Don't avoid phone calls or be evasive.

13) Don't get discouraged if the date does not result in the love relationship you hoped for- try and try again. Learn from the experience, and look for the positives that came out it.

14) Don't give up, keep dating, keep getting out there into the world. Use different ways to meet people. You deserve to have your dream!

15) Let someone know where you are and who you are meeting, for safety sake.

For more tips or dating help, give me a call at 04 970 1433 or see Heart Connections at www.heartconnections.co.nz.

Good Luck- and have fun!

Wendy

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!

Fighting Fair- Dealing Effectively with Conflict

2009-09-27T21:38:00.002-05:00

Many relationships are important for one reason or another. This could be with your love partner, kids, family, friends or co-workers. Since we as humans don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements and conflicts.

It may be helpful to consider how important is to be "right" versus preserving the harmony and integrity of the relationship. Often the people we love receive the very worst from us during disagreements and fights. We may say things we would never say to a friend or co-worker.

Disagreements, mismanaged, can be highly toxic and damaging to these important and fragile relationships.Even to the point of destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

Fighting fair is critical to preserving and growing our emotional connections with other people. Let's face it - it is very difficult to take back comments and actions that are made from a place of anger or judgment or a misuse of power. "Sorry" is an option but much better to be proactive going into a heated moment than cleaning up a huge mess of hurt feelings afterward. After awhile these negative feeling are stored up, and can end or severely damage a relationship.

When you find yourself faced with one of these relationship hot spots, take a moment to reflect on what you want to get out of the conversation and what actions might move you in that direction. Here are some specific guidelines to minimize relationship damage during heated discussions.

Ask permission or schedule a time BEFORE you attempt engagement. Sounds like this, "I'd like for us to discuss our finances. Is this a good time or can we set aside a 1/2 hour later today?"
Set guidelines for the discussion BEFORE you begin. Guidelines will be whatever works for the two of you (after the basic ground rules below).

You could decide who will start the discussion, whether they speak uninterrupted or are willing to take questions, how much time you are going to allot to the conversation. If you find yourself getting into a heated conversation, stop, reschedule for another specific time. Take a time out!

You could even ask someone to use a different tone of voice with you or to refrain from swearing if that is an issue. Think about what each of you might need to make the conversation productive.

Set an positive intention and an outcome for the conversation. It is useful to be explicit here. The outcome might be to brainstorm or to explore or to consider different options. It could be just to express yourself. When you know your goal or outcome, it is easier to stay on track. The intention is how you want to be together during the discussion.

You might try an intention like, "working together as parents" or "to be supportive of each other while discussing an issue" or "to be open minded." Try to make this positive, not a blaming type statement like "so you will stop spending all of our money so irresponsibly!"

Decide together and then clearly share your intentions with each other.
Setting an intention is absolutely critical when you have more power than the other person, for instance if you are a boss speaking to an employee or a parent talking to a teenager.

By letting the other person know that your intention is to understand a situation, be supportive, or find solutions together - you will lessen the angst and fear the other person might be feeling due to the differences in your roles and power.

Setting guidelines for the conversation is something you do together and is negotiable. You need to find a way that works for the two of you. The four ground rules in a series of great books by John Gottman that follow are NOT negotiable. You should honor them to avoid diminishing rapport and connection in your relationship.

The FOUR Basic Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Take Responsibility for Yourself. No blaming. No matter how right you think you are, blaming the other person isn't going to resolve anything. Speak from your own point of view. Use phrases like, "I wanted" or "I assumed" or "I feel." Once you start accusing and assigning blame to the other person, you have polarized the discussion into winners and losers. Where there are winners and losers, you both lose because the relationship loses something.

Put Aside Defensive Behavior. Don't defend and justify. When you do, you again lock in to positions of right and wrong. It is the other side of blaming. It says, "Oh no, YOU are wrong and I am right and here is my proof." Unless you are dealing with very simple, indisputable, verifiable data that doesn't include any objective information, perception, or feelings - don't defend. It perpetuates rather than resolves conflict.

Avoid Contemptuous Behavior. "Contemptuous" is anything that attacks or demeans the other person and can be as subtle as eye rolling when someone is talking to as overt as using physical power. As tempting as it may be when you are angry, these are the straws that break the back of important relationships. What you say and do when you are upset will be remembered long after the conflict is over and may cause collateral damage to the relationship.

No Stonewalling Allowed. You need to be a partner in the conversation if you intend to fight fair. Shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage is generally perceived to mean that you just don't care about the issue at hand or worse yet, the person to whom you are speaking. It comes across as insulting and demeaning. If you need to withdraw to collect yourself and refrain from doing relationship damage, by all means, take a break. Just let the other person know that (a) you are taking a break and (b) you will get back to them to resume/resolve. And then, keep your word.

*Thanks to Lora Banks and John Gottman " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love and Relationship Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!

Great relationships are the key to happiness!

2009-09-19T14:01:00.002-05:00

Life is all about relationships and communication. Relationships offer us the biggest challenges and opportunities in life for significant learning. They are, in effect, a huge laboratory of life. Relationships show up just about every facet of our day to day lives.

How well you manage your relationships is likely to be a huge key to your happiness and success. It is proven fact that people who have happy, healthy love and personal relationships are more satisfied and fulfilled with life, more productive, and are more physically and mentally healthy. Yet unfortunately some people neglect to develop their relationship skills fully or address problems.

Heart Connections successfully helps with men and women who are single or partnered, of all ages, with a focus on relationship coaching and counselling. Our clients aren't broken and don't need to be fixed... they are just seeking great, fulfilling relationships.

As your coach, we work with you to determine your goals and how to achieve them. Every person's action plan is different and customised. We want you to see definable results in a very reasonable time frame.

Your goals could be around creating wonderful personal relationships with your family, partner, friends or towards the goal of finding the "right" new long term love partner. Or your goals could be something quite different and unique.

You, as the coachee, set the direction of the coaching.

It takes courage and a willingness to look honestly at how we show up in relationships to make positive changes. However, doing this kind of relationship work has proven to be immensely beneficial to our coaching clients in all facets of their lives.

The first coaching consultation is free of charge, and all our coaching work is 100% money back guarantee- conditions apply. All our work together is entirely confidential.

Please contact us at 04 970 1433 or email at heartconnectionscentre@gmail.com to get started on creating exceptional, fulfilling relationships!

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

New office in Auckland opening soon!