Hi, Wendy:
I've met a guy on an online dating site. He seems really great but there is so much out there to be worried about. I know couples who have met online and its working out well so I want to be open minded enough to give it a try but I want to know your opinions on how to do it as safely as possible. I also don't want to waste my limited time, (I work a lot of hours) meeting someone who is not who they say they are.
Help!
Dear Online Dater:
Online dating can be fun and exciting, but you don't know who you are communicating with until you meet them.. and sometimes not even after that..
Here are a few common sense things you can do to safeguard yourself:
1) Follow your gut instincts- if something feels off, then don't set the date or leave. Have a good excuse ready if you need to use it.
2) Always drive yourself or take a taxi, and don't reveal where you live, or work on the first date or even second date. You don't want to give information to someone who could become a stalker. You don't know this person, and unfortunately these things can happen.
3) Once you get to the point where you are going to communicate outside of the dating service email system, use a "throw away" email account. You can create a free email account on Yahoo!, Gmail etc. This way once you start communicating outside the system if things start to get weird, he doesn't have your real or work email address.
4) Don't be so quick to give your home or mobile phone number. Again, a problem if you hook up with someone who becomes abusive or obsessive. This may sound paranoid, but I have heard of it happening far too often.
5) Meet in a public place. You should arrive 15 minutes or more before the scheduled meeting, and make it for coffee, not a dinner.
This way he will not know what kind of car you are driving if you do drive to the date. Meet inside and leave your first name- you may not want to give your last name right away, at least until you have a chance to meet face to face. If things go well you might let him walk you to your car. If things do not go well or something feels off, do not leave with him. When you depart, make sure he drives off first. Whatever direction he goes, you leave in a different direction. This way he cannot follow you.
6) Make sure someone knows where you are and with whom, and that you carry your cell phone with you. Call or text your friend to come join you if things seem really weird.
7) Hire a service like Heart Connections to screen the people for you before you commit to a date. If they are really interested in meeting you, they will be motivated to come in for a personal interview. This is one way to make sure they are who they say they are. It screens out serious weirdos or sex predators like the guy who recently spread HIV all over New Zealand via his online dating connections. These kind of people aren't going to want to be bothered or possibly exposed. They will move onto another victim.
Good luck to you!
Kind Regards,
Wendy
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
What are the pros/ cons of internet dating?
Hi, Wendy:
I have been using FindSomeOne and NZ Dating for a few months. I have to say I am feeling overwhelmed and disappointed with the guys I have gone out with. My male roommate is also trying to find a partner on FindSomeone. We have both experienced people who have really misrepresented themselves and/ or are married and looking for a quick affair. Is it worth using these online dating service sites? I am getting really burned out and thinking of giving up. It also is not very cheap on a monthly basis. Is it a good value for money?
"Looking for love in all the wrong places"
Dear Looking for Love:
I think the internet dating sites can be a good resource, but it is kind of like throwing out a huge net and hoping you only get the highest quality fish. You are going to attract all kinds of people- good and bad. Your online experience and frustration level is not unusual- I hear it all the time.
You don't know who you are really talking to, or who you are going to meet on the 1st date. People can represent anything they want and the stats say that 40% or more of the people online lie about really significant issues ie age, marital status etc.
I encourage my clients to consider every option and resource when they are looking for love, but also to let me screen and meet with the people they find first before setting up a date or spending much time chatting. The losers won't even bother to let themselves be screened because they know they will get caught in their lies. That seems to be the smartest way to utilise this resource and has really worked for a number of my clients.
Warmly,
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
I have been using FindSomeOne and NZ Dating for a few months. I have to say I am feeling overwhelmed and disappointed with the guys I have gone out with. My male roommate is also trying to find a partner on FindSomeone. We have both experienced people who have really misrepresented themselves and/ or are married and looking for a quick affair. Is it worth using these online dating service sites? I am getting really burned out and thinking of giving up. It also is not very cheap on a monthly basis. Is it a good value for money?
"Looking for love in all the wrong places"
Dear Looking for Love:
I think the internet dating sites can be a good resource, but it is kind of like throwing out a huge net and hoping you only get the highest quality fish. You are going to attract all kinds of people- good and bad. Your online experience and frustration level is not unusual- I hear it all the time.
You don't know who you are really talking to, or who you are going to meet on the 1st date. People can represent anything they want and the stats say that 40% or more of the people online lie about really significant issues ie age, marital status etc.
I encourage my clients to consider every option and resource when they are looking for love, but also to let me screen and meet with the people they find first before setting up a date or spending much time chatting. The losers won't even bother to let themselves be screened because they know they will get caught in their lies. That seems to be the smartest way to utilise this resource and has really worked for a number of my clients.
Warmly,
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
How soon should I consider having sex?
RELATIONTIP
Dear Wendy:
I have gone out on two dates ( one was just a drink) with this new guy I met on FindSomeone. I like him but he is putting some pressure on me to have sex now. He wants to know if we are going to be compatible in bed or not before pursuing a relationship with me. I am not really all that comfortable with going to bed with this guy I don't really know all that well. What do you think? Am I really uptight about sex?
M
Dear M:
I think you should follow your gut instinct about having sex with this guy. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. While being sexual and passionate is a great thing, I don't feel you have to jump into bed right away.
Take your time, if this guy is really interested he will invest some time in getting to know you. Unfortunately, online dating can be a great resource for people who just want a quick fling in the hay, so to speak. Some of these people are just looking for an affair, and are not really available. How do you really know?
You decide if this is something you want to do- it should not be a test, it should because you want to do it, and will both enjoy adding sex to your growing relationship.
Best of luck-
Wendy
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
Dear Wendy:
I have gone out on two dates ( one was just a drink) with this new guy I met on FindSomeone. I like him but he is putting some pressure on me to have sex now. He wants to know if we are going to be compatible in bed or not before pursuing a relationship with me. I am not really all that comfortable with going to bed with this guy I don't really know all that well. What do you think? Am I really uptight about sex?
M
Dear M:
I think you should follow your gut instinct about having sex with this guy. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. While being sexual and passionate is a great thing, I don't feel you have to jump into bed right away.
Take your time, if this guy is really interested he will invest some time in getting to know you. Unfortunately, online dating can be a great resource for people who just want a quick fling in the hay, so to speak. Some of these people are just looking for an affair, and are not really available. How do you really know?
You decide if this is something you want to do- it should not be a test, it should because you want to do it, and will both enjoy adding sex to your growing relationship.
Best of luck-
Wendy
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
Why Set Up Dates Can Be A Disaster!
“You should ask my great friend Alison out, I know you have been looking for someone since you broke up with Kate. I think you two would be perfect for each other" says your good mate, John.
You have probably heard this line from your friends numerous times. Just because your friend knows the both of you really well and thinks you would be a great couple does not mean it will necessarily work out between you. Actually, the chances are pretty slim and remote. So, before you venture down that path consider a few things.
All things can end badly. And think about the consequences if they do.. you are both good friends of John. How comfortable is it going to feel to have to meet up with your now ex girlfriend at the pub and social events with your group of friends?
Not all relationship work out
Not all things are meant to last forever. At least in relationship terms, otherwise they wouldn’t often end. Even if you do marry the person you were set up with, there is still a chance that you may end up divorced. Then you will look bad and it could hurt your relationship with him for setting you up with her in the first place. Lots of relationships don't last long term, and your friend John is probably not an expert in matching people up anyway.
If it looks to good to be true, it is probably IS TOO GOOD to be true. Maybe on the surface she seems pretty attractive, but proceed with caution. There are plenty of other relationship deal breakers that you might not discover until you are pretty deep into the relationship- or maybe it just isn't the right fit for you, long term.
Friends will talk to each other.
The woman you start dating will ultimately reveal things to "John", they are also close friends. This could ultimately affect your friendship with your friend John because after discussing these personal things, your friend’s perception of you could ultimately change or she might share things that you did not want your friend to know about you or your relationship.
Less time with your friends, more time with your girl friend..
At first, everything will be great and you will all hang out and get along fantastic. However, once you start getting serious and your time spent with your friend decreases, jealousy for time may likely arise. This could develop into a tug of war for your time with you ending up spending less time with your mates. How is "John" going to feel- is he going be upset with you for spending more time with "Alison"?
There are plenty of single women out there; it doesn’t matter how old you are or how many of your friends are in serious relationships. Take your time to find the right partner. If you want to find available women and are seriously motivated to do so, you will find the right partner. Don't count on your friends to set you up, or at least think very carefully of the consequences before accepting a set up date and then things don't work out the way you might hope they would.
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
You have probably heard this line from your friends numerous times. Just because your friend knows the both of you really well and thinks you would be a great couple does not mean it will necessarily work out between you. Actually, the chances are pretty slim and remote. So, before you venture down that path consider a few things.
All things can end badly. And think about the consequences if they do.. you are both good friends of John. How comfortable is it going to feel to have to meet up with your now ex girlfriend at the pub and social events with your group of friends?
Not all relationship work out
Not all things are meant to last forever. At least in relationship terms, otherwise they wouldn’t often end. Even if you do marry the person you were set up with, there is still a chance that you may end up divorced. Then you will look bad and it could hurt your relationship with him for setting you up with her in the first place. Lots of relationships don't last long term, and your friend John is probably not an expert in matching people up anyway.
If it looks to good to be true, it is probably IS TOO GOOD to be true. Maybe on the surface she seems pretty attractive, but proceed with caution. There are plenty of other relationship deal breakers that you might not discover until you are pretty deep into the relationship- or maybe it just isn't the right fit for you, long term.
Friends will talk to each other.
The woman you start dating will ultimately reveal things to "John", they are also close friends. This could ultimately affect your friendship with your friend John because after discussing these personal things, your friend’s perception of you could ultimately change or she might share things that you did not want your friend to know about you or your relationship.
Less time with your friends, more time with your girl friend..
At first, everything will be great and you will all hang out and get along fantastic. However, once you start getting serious and your time spent with your friend decreases, jealousy for time may likely arise. This could develop into a tug of war for your time with you ending up spending less time with your mates. How is "John" going to feel- is he going be upset with you for spending more time with "Alison"?
There are plenty of single women out there; it doesn’t matter how old you are or how many of your friends are in serious relationships. Take your time to find the right partner. If you want to find available women and are seriously motivated to do so, you will find the right partner. Don't count on your friends to set you up, or at least think very carefully of the consequences before accepting a set up date and then things don't work out the way you might hope they would.
Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433
New office in Auckland opening soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
