Fighting Fair- Dealing Effectively with Conflict

Many relationships are important for one reason or another. This could be with your love partner, kids, family, friends or co-workers. Since we as humans don't always see eye to eye on everything, there are going to be disagreements and conflicts.

It may be helpful to consider how important is to be "right" versus preserving the harmony and integrity of the relationship. Often the people we love receive the very worst from us during disagreements and fights. We may say things we would never say to a friend or co-worker.

Disagreements, mismanaged, can be highly toxic and damaging to these important and fragile relationships.Even to the point of destroying the relationship if we don't learn to fight fair.

Fighting fair is critical to preserving and growing our emotional connections with other people. Let's face it - it is very difficult to take back comments and actions that are made from a place of anger or judgment or a misuse of power. "Sorry" is an option but much better to be proactive going into a heated moment than cleaning up a huge mess of hurt feelings afterward. After awhile these negative feeling are stored up, and can end or severely damage a relationship.


When you find yourself faced with one of these relationship hot spots, take a moment to reflect on what you want to get out of the conversation and what actions might move you in that direction. Here are some specific guidelines to minimize relationship damage during heated discussions.

Ask permission or schedule a time BEFORE you attempt engagement. Sounds like this, "I'd like for us to discuss our finances. Is this a good time or can we set aside a 1/2 hour later today?"
Set guidelines for the discussion BEFORE you begin. Guidelines will be whatever works for the two of you (after the basic ground rules below).

You could decide who will start the discussion, whether they speak uninterrupted or are willing to take questions, how much time you are going to allot to the conversation. If you find yourself getting into a heated conversation, stop, reschedule for another specific time. Take a time out!

You could even ask someone to use a different tone of voice with you or to refrain from swearing if that is an issue. Think about what each of you might need to make the conversation productive.

Set an positive intention and an outcome for the conversation. It is useful to be explicit here. The outcome might be to brainstorm or to explore or to consider different options. It could be just to express yourself. When you know your goal or outcome, it is easier to stay on track. The intention is how you want to be together during the discussion.

You might try an intention like, "working together as parents" or "to be supportive of each other while discussing an issue" or "to be open minded." Try to make this positive, not a blaming type statement like "so you will stop spending all of our money so irresponsibly!"

Decide together and then clearly share your intentions with each other.
Setting an intention is absolutely critical when you have more power than the other person, for instance if you are a boss speaking to an employee or a parent talking to a teenager.

By letting the other person know that your intention is to understand a situation, be supportive, or find solutions together - you will lessen the angst and fear the other person might be feeling due to the differences in your roles and power.

Setting guidelines for the conversation is something you do together and is negotiable. You need to find a way that works for the two of you. The four ground rules in a series of great books by John Gottman that follow are NOT negotiable. You should honor them to avoid diminishing rapport and connection in your relationship.

The FOUR Basic Ground Rules for Fighting Fair

Take Responsibility for Yourself. No blaming. No matter how right you think you are, blaming the other person isn't going to resolve anything. Speak from your own point of view. Use phrases like, "I wanted" or "I assumed" or "I feel." Once you start accusing and assigning blame to the other person, you have polarized the discussion into winners and losers. Where there are winners and losers, you both lose because the relationship loses something.

Put Aside Defensive Behavior. Don't defend and justify. When you do, you again lock in to positions of right and wrong. It is the other side of blaming. It says, "Oh no, YOU are wrong and I am right and here is my proof." Unless you are dealing with very simple, indisputable, verifiable data that doesn't include any objective information, perception, or feelings - don't defend. It perpetuates rather than resolves conflict.

Avoid Contemptuous Behavior. "Contemptuous" is anything that attacks or demeans the other person and can be as subtle as eye rolling when someone is talking to as overt as using physical power. As tempting as it may be when you are angry, these are the straws that break the back of important relationships. What you say and do when you are upset will be remembered long after the conflict is over and may cause collateral damage to the relationship.

No Stonewalling Allowed. You need to be a partner in the conversation if you intend to fight fair. Shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage is generally perceived to mean that you just don't care about the issue at hand or worse yet, the person to whom you are speaking. It comes across as insulting and demeaning. If you need to withdraw to collect yourself and refrain from doing relationship damage, by all means, take a break. Just let the other person know that (a) you are taking a break and (b) you will get back to them to resume/resolve. And then, keep your word.

*Thanks to Lora Banks and John Gottman " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

Wendy Somers
Matchmaker and Love and Relationship Coach
www.heartconnections.co.nz
04 970 1433

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